I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
When I snag the last meatball.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE