I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
sigh
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
🤣🤣
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer