@NicestHippo

I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker

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@juliussharpe

Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.

@ArfMeasures

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

@saucy_peaches

Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
5.
6. Don’t get married

@OusaMedousa

Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.

Me: Mmm?

N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.

M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.

N:

M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.

@Marlebean

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

@tlcprincess

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

@Pro_Jones_

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

@QwertyJones3

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

@Holy_Mowgli

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size