Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.
I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot
Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
6. Don’t get married
Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.
N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.
M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.
M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Well at least the company is owning its mistake
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size