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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
how long have you had this for?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish