I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?