@megantwentytwo

“I was on Vine before it was cool.”

– Tarzan

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@jackiembouvier

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

@TweetPotato314

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

@stephenjmolloy

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

@bingowings14

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

@iamMunga

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

@dubiousrhetoric

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

@jwoodham

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

@UnicornSyrup

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.