Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
“I was on Vine before it was cool.”
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Looking for a +1 for my wedding.