I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
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inventing words: clothing
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe