I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

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I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.


There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen


Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage


Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.


If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.


Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.


[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re


wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”