@realfunghi

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

@envydatropic

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

@Home_Halfway

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

@shadygrenade

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

@JimmerThatisAll

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

@rikpayne

Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.

@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

@KeetPotato

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”