I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
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Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.