@brianbowman73

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

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@BrettDruck

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

@MiniiG

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

@iscoff

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

@NotBachibawlz

I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”

@crunchenhanced

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

@livlivme_do

The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.

@yoopnative

“Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep.”

-Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.