I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.