I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”
“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.
“Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep.”
-Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.