i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
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everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”