I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
? 💀
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Guys, I found it.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.