I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
⛄️
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
when you are just born a rebel
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?