I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh