I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
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Expectations vs. Reality
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
This guy’s not having it 😆
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
oppen heimer style lol
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age