I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
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If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.