I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this