@farouq_yahaya

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

You Might Also Like

@sarcasticmommy4

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

@batkaren

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

@BlairLoudly

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

@theshrillest

lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists

@Arroia

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

@yonewt

To print a document from your laptop:
1. Select document
2. Click “Print”
3. Walk over to printer to see what the damn problem is this time

@GuyBreakup

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

@justokpanda

Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*