I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.


Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine


If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it’s ankle cripples them


Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table


It’s like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man’s life.


The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.


North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.


“Please. Make yourself at home.”

*Brings cat and litter box inside*

*Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*