I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.