@DadandBuried

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

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@copymama

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

@lewisheywood

Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine

@Kyle_Lippert

If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it’s ankle cripples them

@CoreyKeyz

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

@candace_9871

It’s like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man’s life.

@michaelianblack

The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.

@ryaninco

North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.

@just1fool

“Please. Make yourself at home.”

*Brings cat and litter box inside*

*Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*