I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.