Never forget.
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Don’t touch that.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.