I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

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My SO – Do you like it dirty?
My SO – Do you like it wet
Me: MM Hm
My SO – Here is a towel, do the dishes.
Me: Whispers safe word


Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*


I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.


Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.


I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.


I can’t help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.


I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.


If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.