@dreadnaught69

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

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@JohnLyonTweets

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

@bijoehardy

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

@Rollinintheseat

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

@Iwriteforcats

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

@TheOnion

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

@Jake_Vig

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

@thenatewolf

Best part of singing while you drive is that you have to keep your eyes open, even when you hit the high notes, which creates one of the most terrifying faces a human can make.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.