I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*