I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
You Might Also Like
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
For those that worship cheese..
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Fidel Castro was alive?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Geez man, take it easy.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.