Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
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If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff