I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”