I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw