I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

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Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

So, what seems to be the problem?

I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.


The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.


[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-


i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top


I’d catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.


I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.


Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me


When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.


I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.