@HomeWithPeanut

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

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@joshraclaw

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

@mack44_d

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

@justokpanda

I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

@mommajessiec

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

@d_duhwit

First day as waiter

Boss: Can you clear table 5?
Me: Well I haven’t done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..

@joeheenan

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

@trickaduu

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

@ArfMeasures

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him