14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
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wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
that colleague who touches your screen
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Lol
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.