I was really excited when he said that condoms didn’t fit him, then he added “they fall right off”

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*Burglar breaks into my room*
*he looks around*
*he softly wakes me up*
Dude do you need some money or something? I’d be happy to help


Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!


Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.


Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos


This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.


Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.


“Man of Steel” is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.


Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No


How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon