I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.