I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.