@GrabTheWEness

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

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@DomesticGoddss

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

@XplodingUnicorn

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

@GingerHotDish

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

@lmegordon

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

@BromanConsul

cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now

@squirrel74wkgn

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

@audipenny

So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist

@Reverend_Scott

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

@ChuckGrassley

My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian

@KentTheG

When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”