Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
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[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian
When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”