ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Wake me when AI does housework
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you