I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
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HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Help Wanted
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?