@KKBowls

I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.

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@TheHyyyype

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

@sock_holliday

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

@TarzanFeathers

When someone says “The last thing I’d want to do is hurt you”, I’m wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.

@envydatropic

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@FBSisnothere

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

@ellewasamistake

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

@daemonic3

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”