911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Do you think I’m pretty
I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.
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doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion
me: is it contagious
doctor: is what contagious. where am i
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
*knock at the door*
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care