*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
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Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
A collection of me turning into random objects.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.