I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.