@KelFocker

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

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@KrazykurtKurt

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

@recursivetaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@Jake_Vig

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

@FuckabillyRex

Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?

@curlymalloy

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

@krisv_723

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

@Chhapiness

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?