I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor