I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.


Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!



There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.


Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?


An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!


[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?


*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?