Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]