I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

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Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.


There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.


[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol


This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.

That doesn’t even make sense.


Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit


Pregnancy tests in movies are so weird…
She hands him the test and he stands there holding this stick of pee like it isn’t a stick of pee


Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.


Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it


[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom


[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it