@iAmDelFreaky

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

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@HandfulOfLewds

Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.

@Tylerosis

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

@GrantTanaka

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

@CanadianCyn

This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.

That doesn’t even make sense.

@T_Bonezzz_

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

@julie2288

Pregnancy tests in movies are so weird…
She hands him the test and he stands there holding this stick of pee like it isn’t a stick of pee

@JimmerThatisAll

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

@AnkCoupleTO

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

@dubstep4dads

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

@murrman5

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it