@colesprouse

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

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@TheLevelArc

Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.

@Michabean

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

@Gre_Gone

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

@shkeeber

Any question is a hard hitting question when it’s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.

@Pro_Jones_

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

@clarkekant

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.

@lmegordon

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

@LostFelicia

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

@InternetHippo

Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends

@garrettbarry70

[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”