@colesprouse

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

@3sunzzz

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

@treydayway

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

@Miniwheats2012

Me: Wake up son!

Son: Just 30 more minutes please

Me: I’m borrowing your phone

Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!

@gvicks

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

@dave_cactus

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

@canadasandra

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

@myqkaplan

i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.

@rn_murse

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.