I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.


In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.


“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways


WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”


Me: Wake up son!

Son: Just 30 more minutes please

Me: I’m borrowing your phone

Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!


They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….


Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”


[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”


i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.


This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.