I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I bet birds love this building.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it