I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

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Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.


My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.


[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!


Any question is a hard hitting question when it’s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.


Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..


One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.


Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.


The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.


Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends


[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”