I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
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to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy