My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
there has never been a better use of this meme
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies