i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
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6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
You don’t even know
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks