I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Breaking news:
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up