I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
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Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.