I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.