I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident