@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

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@TEXASVETERAN

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

@thedadvocate01

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

@FrizerkaSandra

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

@Kendragarden

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

@TitansHomer

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@flashember

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

@daemonic3

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?