I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.


Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.


If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.


Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.


I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married


When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.


What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?