@knot_eye

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

- @knot_eye

You Might Also Like

@Rollmaninoz

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

@Spaziotwat

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

@SentenceReduced

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

@HandyJack420

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

@sonictyrant

[Nature documentary]

Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height.

Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?

@tastefactory

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

@Gooooats

*standing by the turntables at the club*

Her: are you the dj?

Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station

@YUCKYBOT

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature

@EndhooS

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]