I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Good morning y’all ☀️
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.