@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

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@BrandonVine

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@XennDad

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

@OrdinaryAlso

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

@SladeWentworth

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

@T_Bonezzz_

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

@EllaZee5

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

@DamonHunzeker

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

@robfee

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.