*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
Me: You’re it!
Me running away: Renewed!
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.