I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions
me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs
dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth
dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
She shouted “GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS”
I fetched her one of her bras.
Now we’re not talking. Apparently.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.