6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
my mom making me talk to relatives
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.