The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent